We are a state of choice situated within a nation of choice. For that, all good Michiganders can be proud. To imbue choice with evil would take great ingenuity. To that I say athletic officials and law enforcement personnel of the University of Michigan are among the most ingenious of all. They have forced football fans to choose not only between a maize jersey and a blue one or between loaded smoky brisket waffle fries and totchos, but between options both more fundamental and more critical.
By virtue of their ban on bags and purses of any size and type, athletic officials and law enforcement personnel essentially have forced spectators cull their collections of requisite accoutrements. Pockets bulge and still fans are lefting wanting for a tissue or an aspirin an aspirin forsaken in favor of a cigarette lighter, flask or other desideratum deemed more essential. Such is unconscionable! A cell phone or a wallet? A lip balm or a house key? Sunglasses or sunscreen? Vuvuzela a cowbell? A foam finger or a bad-call brick? A rabbit’s foot or a Chase Young voodoo doll? How is an ardent fan supposed to choose? No spectator should be prevented from bringing all the fan gear he or she deems necessary. Imagine limiting a heart surgeon, an airplane mechanic or a cake baker to only the eqipment that will fit into his or her pockets. Ludicrious! John Adams (though he no fan of mine) might have put it differently. He might point out the obvious: that it would be different if the victims here were fair weather fans, such as those hideously dressed in scarlet and gray, for they have little need for umbrellas and handwarmers that are instruments of bare necessity for the truest pigskin enthusiasts known as Wolverines. Nay, Buckeye fans, predisposed as they are to using shirtsleeves in place of handkerchiefs and carrying crumpled wads of bills in place of money clips, do not require the same accommodation as we, the civilized. It would be different if our mascot was a paltry horse chestnut easily slipped into a pocket or even a shoe. A proper mascot cannot be pocketed easily or if at all. The great zoologists of our time indicate that wolverines can grow to reach 55 pounds. Even if a wolverine could fit into a pants pocket, to carry it there would be a great disrepect. A policy so unjust policy ought to raise concern not just among worshippers of the pigskin but among fans of all sports lest they empower venues such as the Crisler Center, Yost Ice Arena, Cliff Keen Arena, Ocker Field, Canham Natatorium, and the Oosterbaan Field House (wherever that is) to follow suit. An injustice against one sport’s fans is an injustice against all. Let us rise up for all that is right and good. Who will join me?
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I took a cool law class during my fellowship. One assignment was to rewrite the Declaration of Independence. I took a stab at it.
We hold that all foods are created equal (notwithstanding the self-evident exception of chocolate) and that the food industry derives its profits from the consent of the hungry. Therefore, whenever a flavor combination offends it is the right of the consumer to abolish it and to institute a new chef who shall lay down his or her own ingredients, organizing them in a form more likely to delight the palate. Epicurean sensibilities, indeed, dictate that recipes long established should not be altered for the appeasement of the loose-livered. The history of certain elements of the food industry is a history of repeated offenses, olfactory and gustatory. First the industry ruined perfectly good coffees by adding the offensive flavors of cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, clove and – worst of all – allspice. Unable to cease their relentless tainting of our food supply, food mongers next ruined our breakfast cereals, our beers, our yogurts and – in defiance of all that is right and good – our Oreos. A decent respect for the God-given sense of taste ought to impel the separation of this offending ingredient from the rest of the food supply upon which the people rely for sustenance. A separation comports with honorable values that provide for dissolution of established but ill-thought epicurean bonds when culinary offenses so demand. The food industry has a history of repeated assaults on taste buds of men, women and – worst of all – children, who already have been subjected to such offenses as pineapple pizza, strawberry-jalapeno froyo and maple bacon Pop-Tarts that have benumbed their developing palates. Have they not suffered enough? To now contaminate our precious progeny’s Justin Bieber lunchboxes with pumpkin-spice potato chips, pumpkin-spice granola bars, and pumpkin-spice Twinkies is unconscionable. Manufacturers have refused to submit to the laws of culinary decency and, furthermore, have violated the most basic divisions of time by prematurely peddling unpalatable pumpkin products. That they would purvey fall-themed products before leaves have begun to fall from trees is an offense to the calendar. Be it known that the traditional food supply is not the only victim herein. The discordant flavor combinations have rendered pumpkin-spice itself the object of ridicule and disdain. Consumers have sought redress on social media platforms from Facebook to Snapchat but the food manufacturing industry has been deaf to the voices of good taste. To achieve the greatest good, pumpkin spice must be restored to its traditional place as a pie additive alone. It must be granted permanent independence from all other comestibles. Maintaining the status quo would render our nation vulnerable to both gastronomic disturbance and ridicule from our more cultured foreign neighbors who have a deeper appreciation of kindred flavors. In light of such threats to the perception of our nation, there is no option but to immediately grant pumpkin spice the freedom to which it has always been entitled. Therefore, we the consumers of prepared foods, declare pumpkin spice and all of its individual components – ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, clove, and allspice – free from all association from provender of the non-pie variety. |
Tracie MaurielloConverting caffeine into sentences since 1994. Archives
November 2019
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